For me, that my efforts never satisfy my expectations and that my hopes of personal talent are shadowed by the cruel realization that I've been wrong before... many times. For someone who has always been willing to give it a try knowing that failure is eminent and that remaining humble is the way to save my poor self-esteem, its hard to understand where my very noticeable arrogance keeps coming from. What makes me crave this disappointment? Do I enjoy to believe that I can do better, always, even if it means to fail at it, always.
How many times did I think about writing this in one of my notes? many. How many times did I read my final score and decided to start over? A lot. When will I be able to express to you what it is that I'm trying to say? Never (maybe...). I know all of this, and still here I am, doing it, failing with every key-stroke and pausing after every sentence to gasp before resuming what is probably my most depressing moment of my day. And any ways, I always find the motivation to continue. It could be the hope that practice will not make me perfect, just a tiny bit better.
And at the end, I read it. For you it may make no sense, but for me its the universal truth in every-single-little-thing that I do in every-single-insignificant day of my life. It is not meant to be understood, it has no reason to actually exist, it would be better of if I would have invested my precious time in something productive and not just in writing some short idea that went through my mind while I had apparently nothing better to do, or say. But then again, why not? This is bad according to my standards, and I can do better, and I will do better. But its over, I've done it, and that is closer to one win than never have tried.
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